BRAT'S TREASURE

WHAT CATS DO FOR US

Warm our laps

Give us someone to talk to

Help reduce high blood pressure

Bring the winter air inside, nestled in their coats

Create a kindred feeling with other "cat people"

Turn common household objects like bottle caps into toys

Make us more aware of birds

Donate their services as alarm clocks

Display daring acrobatic feats right in front of our eyes

Contribute to living a longer life

Make a window sill more beautiful

Keep mice on the run

Make us smile

Inspire poets and playwrights

Teach us how to land on our feet

Let us indulge our desires to really spoil someone

Make our homes warmer

Remind us that life is mysterious

Share with us the all-is-well experience of purring

Instruct us in the luxurious art of stretching

Show us how to lick our wounds and go on

Give us cool cartoon characters

Make even an old worn couch look beautiful

Open our hearts

THIS IS CAT

(read each line aloud)

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is ding-a-ling cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

CAT QUIZ FOR HUMANS
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive.
Is it saying?
       a) Welcome home, I missed you
      b) The phone rang twice while you were out
      c) Feed me, *NOW*
      d) So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for.
         Your pillow is history

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
      a) Please don't leave me here all alone
      b) Have a nice day
      c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
      d) Kiss that new vase goodbye

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
      a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
      b) A sign of affection
      c) A demand to be fed now
      d) Have YOU had YOUR shots?
      e) An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
      a) Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden
      b) Wanna go out and play?
      c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
      d) Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:
      a) It is bored silly
      b) It's trying to understand how it's food grows in cans
      c) You are being sized-up for an attack
      d) Human mating habits are disgusting

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
      a) A primal instinct is being displayed
      b) You're not feeding me enough
      c) It is showing a sign of affection by sharing
      d) It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill;
         be warned
      e) All of the above

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the
neighborhood. You should:
      a) Let it out immediately
      b) Try to switch it's interests to other things
      c) Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning
         to let it out
      d) If the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could
         double

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
      a) It is showing you great affection
      b) It knows you are allergic to cats
     c) It has discovered the fine art of suffocation
      d) You should have let it out tonight

CAT QUIZ FOR CATS
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
      a) It's hungry
      b) It's lost
      c) You're hungry
      d) Let the begging begin

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
      a) Supper
      b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
      c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
      d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat

Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean?
      a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
      b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
      c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
       d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again

Staircases are for:
      a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
      b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
      c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it
      d) All of the above

Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
      a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
      b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
      c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
      d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their
         talking behavior

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
      a) Important to humans and should be left alone
      b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what
         damage may result
      c) Annoying and should be removed immediately

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
      a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
      b) Played with until they stop playing
      c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
      d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
     e) Consumed for their nutritional value

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
      a) Under no circumstances
      b) Under no circumstances
      c) Under no circumstances
      d) An act of war
      e) All of the above

Your human's value is limited to:
      a) Providing food
      b) Providing water
      c) Letting you out
      d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
      e) Leaving you alone
      f) All of the above; if properly trained

FOR ALL CAT LOVERS

Dear Beloved Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not

stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that

aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway and hallway was not designed by NASCAR

and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the end is not the object.

Tripping me does not help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.

I am very sorry about this. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to

each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know

that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other

end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. Do not think I will

continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is

not necessary to claw, meow or try to turn the knob or get your paw under

the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through

the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years....

feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me first THEN go smell the other felines butt

or bathe your own. I cannot stress this enough.

To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pet, I have posted the

following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1: They live here, we are guests

2: If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

That's why they call it "fur"niture.

3: I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who

are short, hairy and walk on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly,

they communicate extremely well, especially cats.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money ,

are easier to train, usually come when called (well sometimes),

never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,

don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,

don't wear your clothes, and don't need gazillion dollars for college.

Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!