Characteristic: Refined

I NEVER THOUGHT THE DAY WOULD COME

SUNDAY...
So difficult. Threw my boyfriend out. Don't know how to spend time with Polly.

She's so frail and feel as though I should just let her rest her final couple days.

So... I went to bed and cried with her 'till I had nothing left. I know it's my last

night with her and come this time tomorrow... she'll be gone.

No more Polly on my pillow. This is what keeps the tears coming back.
Having a very difficult time not being able to comprehend that I will never see

her again. What is the point to this life if this is all there is.

We die and that's it?  I would very much like to think that we will, indeed meet

again and recognize each other. Like it is in the Rainbow Bridge poem.

MONDAY...
Today I'm literally suffering with convulsions of tears.

I know today is my Polly's final day with me as I had made arrangements with

Dr. Melgey to come out tonight to have her euthanized comfortably at home.
I know I probably should have done it before now but found myself in
selfishness, attempting at keeping her forever. Guess it just can't be done.
I have done everything I can but the one thing that will actually help HER...

and that is to help her along. Oh God... the pain is horrendous.
When it comes and goes I literally sob, knowing that everything from

here on in will be the last thing I do with her. God, it hurts so much...

I don't want her to go. My precious little Cape Cod kitty.
Think I may put her on a pillow and bring her outside for a while.

Don't know if she's ever been outside. Wish I had brought her out in the

snow last year but thought she might catch cold... she's prone to that you know.
I got a little spot ready for her for later when Dr.Melgey comes.

A comfy pillow with plastic (I guess they loose all their bodily functions)

and laid some pieces of an old robe I've had almost as long as her.

On top of that I put baby-colored fleece I gave her for Christmas

last year... I know I want her in my lap the whole time. I have everything

set up on the bed but wonder if the chair in my den...

no... the bed will be the place. The first injection will be to help her

sleep and the second will be the euthansia. Why am I doing this to myself.

Where does all this water come from for my tears?
3: 15... called vet clinic. Planned arrival = 5:30pm. Oh, the tears...

only 3 hours left to spend with her. Looking at pendants. Vessels.

Cut a few pieces of fur for it. Poor baby has patches now.
She's been sleeping here beside me in my desk chair since we woke

early this morning. It's her chair ya know? This was our spot for the day as

I sat stroking her gently, knowing I would never do it again.

Donna was a big help this morning. She helped me to see things a bit differently.
Polly may not know what's going on and try and be as normal as possible.
That I don't want Polly's final moment stressed out in knowing I'm upset.
One regret... Polly had a falling spell that I'm sure didn't help her hips at all.
She was on a pillow on my bottom desk drawer and rolled off.

I heard a bone hit the edge of the draw and then her plop onto the floor.

She just laid there. She is so sick. Why did I wait so long. She had been on

many meds for different ailments. I took her off all but one yesterday and

 today... she can't even walk. She was pretty bad before the fall.

Trying so hard not to beat myself up over this.

Was doing pretty well up to that point. Oh, I hate regrets.

The countdown is absolutely horrible. Spent the end of our last day together,

our last hour, on the bed. She can't hear and now and she can barely see.
I wanted her to know I was there with her without disturbing her too much so

I kept my face as close to her as I could. So she could feel my warm breath.
I just laid with her, petted her and talked to her.

I know she's ready. I'm ready too. She's not doing too well. Very uncomfortable.

Breathing has changed. Smell is stronger. Now I wish doctor would hurry up.

Called. On his way.

6:15pm... doctors gone. So is Polly. My sweet sweet Polly.

First shot she slept in my lap. Face in my hand. Eyes closed. Peaceful.

The final shot didn't make it much different until he listened. It's over.

Yes, I cried. I think she knew. My pain, her freedom.
In the box with the piece of robe. One last look at her material body.

One last kiss. "I love you. You're free now".
This is the hour dreaded at it's same time last night. Didn't bring her outside.

Don't know how I feel about that. Doctor brought her outside. I watched him

drive away with my soft lifeless baby.

Now it begins.. Opened the divider door downstairs to let other kitties up.

Closed it. I'm not ready yet. Cleaned a bit. Sobbed like I hadn't since a kid.

Sure neighbors could hear me. Bonnie's vomiting. Obsidian's clearly upset.

Others just sleep and watch with patience. Sat on couch in dark for a long time.

Went for a walk in the cemetery. Calm cool air. Being dark, all I could see were

the silhouettes of the stones. The sobbing begins again as my foggy eyes

scanned the whole scene and as I plead that one of them hear me and to

please tell Polly that I miss her, to please forgive anything I may have done and

to tell her I want to see her again, that I love her... so very much.

Something strange. A cold breeze right up my spine.

Suddenly very cold and time to go in. As I left I said thank you and good night.

Donna seemed to think it was Polly herself, saying thank you.

TUESDAY...
Slept on the floor next to the bed last night.

Dreamt about candy bars but woke to nothing remotely sweet.

Every time I opened my eyes Polly was still gone. Back to sleep.
5:00am... instant tears. No Polly on bed, in window or in office chair...
ever again. Her sweet face. Can't believe that's it.

Never felt such pain in all my life. Empty. Quiet. Lonely. Obsidian cries.

Think she's grieving too. Had been just her and Polly upstairs all this time.
We comfort each other. Only memories now. Pictures. No more whiskers

in my face, the clinking in her bowl when she eats, the thumping as she walks

from her arthritis, no more wheezing from an allergy that she had for months.
First thing I'd do in the morning is shove my face in her fur, say

"good morning, good to see you" and pet her every time I'd walk by her.
So funny when she'd watch me in the bathroom from the mirror on the
headboard. Direct visual. Smart kitty. She'd swat me on the ankles if I

walked by her too many times without acknowledging her.
Feels kinda funny having this whole chair to myself instead of just a corner of it.
Strange how everything seems to be at the same time as I was yesterday,

the day before. Before and after. This was the moment last night envisioning

her being gone. Now is that moment knowing the feeling her absence.
5:30am - 6:00pm - 7:00pm - 9:00pm.

I read something I'd like to cherish for these moments of despair...
"The overwhelming sense of loss, bereavement, and emptiness - seems unbearable.

Grief is the price we pay for having loved so deeply. When their pain ends, ours begin.

I believe the pain is so great - because when our beloved's die,

they take a little piece of our hearts with them, (to the other side)

to keep them company, until we see them again- at the Rainbow Bridge."
 ~W.I.T.H.~

GOOD-BYE MY SWEET GIRL. MY BEST FRIEND.

I WILL MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU FOREVER

They laugh at me when I get out of the litter box. I feel so good when I'm

done that I just can't refrain from running like hell through the house.

Then I stop and turn around. There they are, standing there looking at me,

laughing. Can't a cat have any privacy and dignity anymore?

It started when this lady (my mother) walked into this place where I had been

staying  for about 6 months. There were many other cats and I didn't like being

there very much but I really had no choice. I was six at the time.

The place is not there anymore. A few months following my adoption they had

to close down. I feel terrible about the others who weren't so lucky.

People. It was people who complained so much, thinking we were dirty and

diseased and forcing the refuge to shut down. The remaining strugglers

I left behind wouldn't have to worry anymore. She cried when she brought

me home. I talked to her the whole way, trying to explain what I went through.

How I came to be there, but I don't think she understood.

When we arrived at (wherever it was) she let me out of the box I was in and

I looked around to see if I might like it there. It was ok. A bit small.

There was another cat there, looked a lot like me. He was very nice but I

chose not to get to close. If he did, I slapped him... hard. Boy would he take off.

Anyway, I was scratching all the time. Seemed like she was always putting me in

the water and bringing me to the doctor. I'm not too crazy about that place.

It scares me. I was on several medications and had to wear this huge

plastic thing around my neck. How embarrassing to be so graceful and

refined and be bumping into walls. I had this thing called ringworm.

Took about 8 months before I got better. Felt so good not to scratch anymore.

We moved a number of times and it didn't really bother me except I kept

wondering how long would live with her. I loved her so much and it would

have broken my heart if she ever made me go away again.

I couldn't bear to be without her. She made me so happy.

It's been about 5 years now, the other cat has been

gone about 3 (his liver was really sick), and I'm still with the same mother.

She is so good to me. In little ways I try to let her know how I feel.

How happy and secure I am. I sleep on her pillow wrapped around her head

and I like my face right near hers. It comforts me to feel her breath.

To be so close to her. To know that she is right there with me.

Now-a-days, I can't hear very well and have a tendency to panic when I wake

up and don't see her. Sometimes I have bad dreams and holler at the top

of my lungs for her. She comes in and comforts me. Sets me at ease and lets

me know everything is ok. Reminds me I'm still at home. I believe I'll be

with her for the rest of my life, no matter where we are.

That makes me feel so much better about being alive.

The Elderly Cat

Please keep in mind when adopting a cat that the day will come when they will get older,

just as people do and will require more care and closer observance of their

behavioral habits. Maintenance will require a closer eye, routine veterinary checks,

medication if necessary, possible dietary changes and more love...

especially if they lose their hearing and/or site.

Remember, they cannot take care of their own medical problems

nor are they as spry as they were when younger.

They will play less and sleep more often and loneliness is not a

happy feeling for anyone.

SOME TIPS FOR ELDERLY CATS

As cats become older it may be good idea to have you veterinarian clip their nails as

they may have a tendency of becoming wider, causing the possibility of

growing into their pad. They are also more difficult to clip than a younger cat.

Do periodic checks in their ears as they may get dirty and need assistance

with cleaning. Have blood work done so necessary steps can be taken

to aid in the medical conditions they can sometimes get and will ensure a better

quality of life than if left unattended & unchecked. Other problems older

cats may encounter:

Hyperthyroidism

Anemia

Kidney Disease

Some veterinarians may recommend a multiple test, done with one sample

(more in my "Health" section)